You never know.

Today, while driving on a major road, i glanced in my rearview mirror and saw the strangest sight i may have seen in years.  Two older men, possibly in their late sixties/early seventies, riding a candy-apple red honda motorcycle.  The man in front wore a worn-in white sleeveless t-shirt, the ones sometimes referred to as a "wife-beater" shirt.  His white stubble was easily four or five days old, his hair was slicked back with either intentionally purchased or days-without-a-shower grease, and i imagined he had nicotine-stained fingertips.  He looked (if anyone can have this look) as if he were a red neck, the confederate-flag-toting type.  He was smiling as he chatted to the man behind him at the red light.


The strangest sight refers mostly to the above mention of his red-neck-confederate-flag-toting type.  Because the man he was laughing with was a black man.  He was equal in age, and with his white five-day-old stubble.  He was laughing with the driver as happily.  I'd say i felt bad for thinking this first man could have been a racist purely based on his look, but feeling bad was the last emotion i had.  i was shocked, and pleased and then laughing within a few seconds.  And then the light changed, and i drove on, and they continued on their way.  I have no idea what their relation could have been.  They could have been best friends for fifty years.  They could have been brothers.  Who knows.  I do know that i rarely (and i can honestly say that for real) judge people based on their looks.  but this duo just shocked and entertained me. They made my day.  You really never know who anyone is by their outside appearance.  And you really never know who you might see behind you, when you least expect a sight, in your rearview mirror.

Let the fun begin!

Tomorrow begins the first day to the next fifteen weeks of summer-fun-ness!  I cannot wait!  On tomorrow's agenda- sleeping in (horray!), going to the pool (double-horray!), signing up for summer ballet and tap, and meeting friends at the library!  It really doesn't get much better than that!


Besides the heat (90's all week coming up- and i'm guessing that will continue well into september) and the crowds (i get seriously spoiled by being able to take the girls places during work and school hours!), i consider summer one of the greatest phenomenons in the world!  few commitments and an agenda of lazy days and long nights- who could ask for anything more!?!


Happy Memorial Day!  Enjoy your summer vacation!

Seconds to Crash

The fun-filled, go-go-go weekend has finally come to an end.  The kids are in bed (and asleep) and i am so close behind.  we are all exhausted.  i am so thankful for my great friends and for so much excitement!  but the fact that i stayed up until nearly 3:30a.m. drinking more alcohol than i have in well over a year, and the fact that i am no spring chicken anymore (and have little to no tolerance) has worn this girl down.  so i am posting this quickie tonight, so that i can go ahead and crash... now!

Twenty twenty twenty four hours... AGO!

Twenty-four hours ago, Baby Boy B wasn't born; twenty-four hours ago, my best friend wasn't sitting in my living room; twenty-four hours ago, the world was quite a different place.
SO much has happened in the last twenty-four hours.  it makes me wonder how much really does happen in such a truly short period of time.  in our world, here's about what transpired:
9:40p.m.- Our wonderful friends sat in our living room, wondering if tonight would be the night that their second son would be born.  they drove down our way since we live seconds from the hospital and since their two-year-old son would stay with us when my friend did, in fact, go in to labor.
10:00p.m.ish- they decided that K's contractions were too far apart, so they decided to drive back the 20-some minutes to suburbia for the night.
12:00a.m.ish- we go to bed.
2:35a.m.- K calls, "we're on the way"
2:40a.m.- M is in our bed; the dog is locked in the kitchen.  nightlight is ready and books are piled by the bed.  we are ready for J (their 2year-old) to spent the night!
3:00a.m.- J is in M's bed ready for the night.  book have been read; now we just wait!
4:25a.m.- J is still wide-eyed staring around the chaos that is M's room; B wakes up.  P goes to hang with J, while i go feed B her bottle!
5:00a.m.- everyone is sound asleep!
6:30a.m.- B awakes!  my wonderful husband goes to get her!  (wow!)
7:00a.m.- i'm still asleep!
8:00a.m.- everyone is still asleep (except B... ok!)
8:15a.m.- B is asleep!
9:30a.m.- J wakes up!  
9:35a.m.- I wake up!
9:45a.m.- M wakes up!


Our day begins!  we have the fun of having J here!  And the fun of having gotten M a BIG GIRL BIKE yesterday!  and the new baby who was born at about 5:56a.m.!!!!  the excitement never ends!  but wait- there's more!  Our best friends are on their way up from atlanta, as we speak!  horray!  Big, HUGE, FUN weekend!!!!


and, the fun never ends!  or so, it didn't until about seven minutes ago when everyone (at least under the age of 4) finally fell asleep!  and so now, i get to visit with one of my best friends!  and tomorrow i get to visit with one of my other best friends (and her newest baby, who i CANNOT wait to meet!!!!!)  


and so, this has been one of the busiest, most wonderful weekends of my life!   YAY!

School's Out for SUMMER!

I cried this morning as i dropped my baby off for her last day of her first year at preschool.  I am an extremely emotional woman right now, but that's beside the point.  The point is that an entire school year has just flown by.  Not only did the year fly by, the year transformed my baby- a mere two-year-old on that first day of school- to a smart and confident girl.  I was blown away last night looking at pictures of these kids- how different they all looked just nine months ago.  You never notice it on a day to day basis, but to see it glaringly right in front of your face- Wow!
We were able to pick the kids up early today to head on out to the playground for a feast for families and teachers and kids!  The school did an amazing job all year, so i was not surprised to see that the end-of-year picnic was a huge success, too.  I am sad that we won't be walking through the halls for the next three months, but i am ecstatic to start our lazy days (wishful thinking...) of summer!  I'm sure that my mental image of relaxing by the pool while M swims with her little friends will soon be shattered by the realization that i am the mom of two this summer- one of whom doesn't like to be sitting still... even if she can't crawl or walk yet!  Still, i can dream!


Happy start to the Memorial Day weekend, All!  Stay Safe and Have FUN!

Mission Accomplished!

My computer seems to always get sick right about the time i have a major project due.  This has happened during numerous Christmas pre-seasons when i'm trying to make our cards, or print out 150 snap-shots of my child; it has happened days before birthday parties when all of the party favor decorations are securely stored inside; and it happened this week- when i promised to get the class collage done by tomorrow's end of year picnic.  for a week and a half, people have been sending me pictures of their children.  for a week and a half i have been storing them up for the big collage-making!  i wanted to wait until every last picture came in, so i didn't have to rework anything.  however, my computer started to lose it a couple days ago.  and i knew it would be the end of it just in time for the deadline.  and alas, i spent approximately six or so hours over the last three days trying to fix my computer.  i really didn't think i would get it done.  i assumed i'd be literally cutting and pasting the pictures onto pieces of construction paper.  however, something i did must have worked, because when it came time to actually construct the collage, my computer worked like a dream!  the collage turned out awesome, and i won't be going to bed much past my normal time!  although i do have to still combine the ingredients for a pasta salad that i have sitting in the fridge... i guess i should go do that now.  
fingers crossed my computer stays healthy.  i really can't stand wasting so much time trying to fix something when i don't even know what was broken!  but, that's all i'm saying, because he's happy, and therefore i'm happy.  and that's enough for me!

Joy and Pain

There are few things that a mother can feel that a father cannot.  The actual growth of a baby inside her own body is one of those miraculous feats that only a mother can share with her child.  Another is breastfeeding.  As much as I wished on many an occasion that my husband's teats would sprout a leak, they did not.  And while i have been working toward the day when i could enjoy alcohol (without guilt), dairy (without torturing the babe), and garlic, i have to say, i was quite shocked and somewhat heartbroken today when i realized that no matter how many times i shoved my boob into her face, she was just not going to nurse anymore.  somewhere in the late hours of last evening drifting forward into today, my baby weened herself.  She is now a formula-fed baby.  and i am sad.  and that emotion is yet another thing that only a mother can experience.  because no matter how many times i cursed the daylights because the baby would not take a bottle, and no matter how many times i wished i could have just one more glass of wine, nothing truly prepares your heart for the ache it will feel when you alone have nourished your baby for close to eight months, and now <poof> you are done.  it's just one step closer to her taking the keys to the car for a night on the town.  okay, maybe that's a big stretch, but it is sad.  i am happy that she made it seamless, but i am sad that i will no longer enjoy that very personal ritual that she and i have shared so many times.
another thing a father cannot feel... the engorgement that comes with the bittersweet knowledge that this is it.  today, as i shopped with my girls at our favorite wholesale buying club, i grew two bra sizes.  the pain in my back, in my chest, under my arms was excruciating.  i tried (to no avail) one last time to nurse her when we got home, but she would not.  and that was when i knew we were done.  so i will be going to bed on my back, wrapped up tight like a burrito, and waking up to cabbage leaves tomorrow.  Then to wait the few more days until this entire event is truly through.  and then, i will raise my glass (extra full) and raise it again to cheers the beginning of my new (old) diet and feel yet another joy and pain of motherhood.

issues

Tonight I'm having issues. Computer issues (causing me to blog from my phone); headache issues (caused be my computer); and exhaustion issues (caused by lack of sleep miraculously unrelated to the baby!)
I am frustrated and tired and I'm going to drink my tension tamer tea and go to bed (or attempt to, at the very least.) I'm going to hope that my computer gets a good night's sleep, too. Then we can both wake up happy and refreshed and wanting to work! That will make for a great day!!!

Seasons in the Sun

One of my favorite shows on TV is called, "It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia."  Trust me, the irony is not lost in any aspect of that one!  And even more ironically, where I live now is truly always sunny- always!  And I am quite possibly the only one in town who doesn't love every single golden drop that drips upon our glistening bodies all summer long.  all year long, really.
But today, was different for me.  Today, i didn't mind the sun; i didn't even mind the heat.  in fact, i actually sort of embraced it.  because today, when i walked through the gate to our yard, i saw buckets and whiffle balls and a bat and a frisbee thrown all around in the grass.  i saw pinwheels spinning in the feeble breeze.  i saw childhood strewn across the yard, and i smiled.  it was heaven!  i loved how the toys just lay all helter-skelter around the place, but were probably placed with ultra precision during the time of play.  i loved how the sidewalk chalk painted the first six stones on the path, but then just lay in a pile before the seventh, as if something else just magically caught her eye!  i loved seeing the entire summer lay out before my very eyes!  and i loved, for one of the first times in my life, the sun and the warmth that it spread all over my skin and deep into my heart. 

yard salin'

yesterday's big multi-family yard sale that we had been planning for M's school was a success!  The sellers were happy; the buyers seemed happy; and the school raised almost $200!  a great morning was had by all!
my favorite part, by far, was interacting with the yard salers!  They are a unique breed, for sure!  One lady used my husband as her own personal shopping assistant, draping clothes over his arms and piling picture frames and kitchen accessories into the crooks of his elbows.  This was after she told me, "I'm sure you have nice stuff, but i just don't feel like digging through it all."  I shrugged at that, and the next thing i knew, she had everything out and all over the tables, then all over his arms!  She also made sure to tell him (as she added each new item) that, "this is only $.50- your wife said. only $.50 for this." for every item that she had talked me down on.  she walked away with a ton of stuff for only $3.50.  


Another man talked P down from $3 to $2 for his good pair of motorola walkie-talkies.  he said he needed the price to come down "due to the hard economic times."  i guess the times aren't hard enough to do without a set of walkie-talkies, though.


My personal favorite was the woman who, after being told that the stuffed animals were $1 each, said, "they are so full of germs, that's a hard sale at that price."  as if bringing the price down to $.25 would miraculously rid the germs off of them?  


I watched what people walked away with from other stands, too.  Books, clothes, furniture.  One woman bought a Trapper Keeper with a picture of George Michael on the cover. I wish i knew how much that had gone for!


The old adage, "One man's trash is another man's treasure" was surely shown true yesterday morning.  The surest sign was the fact that I spent almost as much as i made on other people's crap, even though i am trying to rid my house of any and all additional clutter.  oh well, i tried. 

1/3

On the first day of college orientation, the president told all of us wide-eyed freshman to look to our left, then look to our right. One third of us would not be there four years from then. Here I am, just over 15 years later, and I feel as if I have just heard those words again. Three years ago, I met five women who have become an incredible system of friends and family and support. our children have grown up together, our lives completely intertwined. And yet over the last year, I have somehow looked left, then right, and am now gearing up to say good-bye to the second of our group to be moving away. Proving that one third of us will not be here in four years time.
I realize that living in a transitional city lends to this probability, but it never makes it easier to say farewell. I wish you, M, the best of luck in your new endeavors. You will be missed.

is it wrong?

is it wrong that when my three-year-old declared that she needed to sleep with us, in our room tonight, i was a bit put off.  all i wanted in the whole world was a good night's sleep tonight.  i guess that's all i really want every night.  but tonight, with having to wake up in a few hours as it is, i was hoping for a miracle.  i definitely won't be getting one tonight.
i guess, in the whole scheme of life, i probably won't be getting one of those- you know, good night's sleep- for many, many, many years.  i'd love to say i will when the girls are older, but i won't.  instead i'll be worrying about mean girls and hard teachers.  or when they get through high school, but then there are boys and drinking to contend with.  college- forget about it.  i used to wake my parents up with "happy" phone calls at 4:00 a.m. when i was in college.  i know i was special, but these girls have my genetics, and therefore my propensity for "happiness" and late-night/early-morning calls just to say, "i love you."  which, i'll take, trust me.  but i know i won't sleep.
and then they'll get married, and i think i'll sleep, but their husbands will travel, and i'll be nervous.  or so i'm told, by a very trusted source.
anyway, i have now turned my three-year-old into a thirty-something, and my baby into a party-animal.  i'll say good-night.  and hope, that maybe in the next forty years, i share some shut-eye with you all!

Put a Fork in Me...

I just took the longest, hottest shower of my life.  I didn't just clean my skin, i scrubbed and exfoliated.  i didn't just wash my hair, i conditioned and smoothed it.  more importantly, i washed away all of the negativity from this day.  
since the minute we woke up, my daughters and i were in a circular argument or upset-ment of one sort or another.  i had been upsetting the baby at almost every single turn.  M was driving me crazy like i can never remember.  she was sent to the "naughty chair" five times!  that is definitely a record in my house!  we even tried a re-do, since she and i agreed that she must have gotten up on the wrong side of the bed (or room!)  she went back to bed, rolled around a bit, came out and declared that she had gotten up on the right side of the bed now!  halleluia!  it lasted about fourteen minutes before grumpzilla came back and was sent to the chair.  we even had our good friend (a sweet two-year-old boy) over for a few hours this morning, which she had been looking very forward to.  instead of playing with him while he was here, she whined at ME!  argh!  all the while, the baby fought me tooth and nail to do anything that i wanted her to do!  it was insanity!  thank god our little friend listened to me!  he was the only one on my side!


the day dragged on and on and on in this fashion.  we had an early dinner, a long bath for the girls, and then off to bed- early!  they both fell asleep quickly, and i am extremely grateful for it!  i am hitting the proverbial hay myself now.  i need to put this day to rest and start again tomorrow, refreshed and refined! exfoliated and conditioned!  hopefully in a circle of happiness!

dog day afternoon- for the cat.

it's never good to wake up to, "oh my god, you have to see this" as it relates to anything in your life.  but when my husband screamed this at 6:30 this morning to me, in regards to my cat, i kind of freaked.  and then, when i saw what i had to see, well, i very much freaked.  my cat had two (at least two visible) bloody, open sores on his back.  one of which had oozed a neosporin-looking substance (which i am guessing was puss?)  okay, this is gross, i know, but seriously, i FREAKED out!  
after rushing him to the vet immediately at 8:00 a.m., they told me that he had multiple wounds and they'd need to sedate him, shave him, and dress the wounds before i could take him home.  basically, they needed to keep him all day.  the vet was clear- he had been attacked.  
so, what could have attacked my 20+ pound indoor cat?  well, if you remember back to my post What A Day, you may recall that i had twisted my ankle late last Monday night outside on my front steps (while planting a plant for my daughter, ion the pitch black, because i had promised her that it would be there when she woke up, and i had, of course, forgotten until bedtime.)  well, i guess my cat had gotten out without me knowing it, because once i came in from that episode, and wrote my blog, i shut up the house and went to bed.  and never knew, until waking up at 6:00a.m. hearing the cat screaming outside my front door, that he was not inside.  i knew then that he had spent a rough night outside.  he was dirty (he is not a roll-in-the-dirt kind of cat) and he was scared.  i had cleaned up the dirt with baby wipes, but saw nothing visible on his back.  that was 9 days ago.  he has not so much as stepped out onto my patio since then.
the vet believes that he got attacked that night by something, very possibly a bird based on the wounds, and that it just took this long for the infection to set in...  it's the only possibility.  nothing inside could have, or would have, done this to him.
i feel horrible for him.  i feel horrible that i never knew he was outside, and that he had to spend a long night out there, by himself, being attacked by god-knows-what!  i feel horrible that he has spent over a week feeling pain and sickness and that i never knew.  blah.  i hate this feeling.  i am so grateful that he is going to be okay, and that he actually seems fine now that he's home (besides having to be sequestered from the rest of us due to his wound leakage for a few days.)  i spent a lot of time with him in his "room" after the girls went to sleep tonight.  i think he forgives me.  he rubbed and purred and loved me like he used to- before kids.  i let him linger even though my eyes were about to explode for the second time today (my allergies did not handle being locked in the car with him this morning.  i could barely breathe and my eyes almost swelled shut!  good times, indeed!)  i am so glad that he is going to be okay, and that nothing really got him.  as much as i complain about my pets, i love him, and i don't want anything bad to happen to him.  he's my baby-cat, even after 10 years, and especially after his horrible attack.  
i don't like that it took feeling like i may lose him to realize once again how much i love him.  i guess that life is funny like that, though.  sometimes it takes us realizing what we may not ever have again to notice that we can't really live without it.  whatever it may be.  

the good old days.

i was just having a conversation with my husband about life as we know it versus life as it was.  specifically- did model T cars have locks?  did they need them?  did people back then worry about their belongings being stolen out of their own property?
as a kid, i can remember walking through a parking lot with my father.  if a car had its lights left on, my dad would just open the door, switch the lights off, and we'd keep on walking.  i thought about this the other day, when i saw a car with its lights on in the parking lot at the grocery store.  i did not even attempt to open the door to flip the lights for the owner.  in today's day and age, i'd end up getting arrested for trying to do the right thing.


so, what's changed?  why did people back then- even just back in the sixties/seventies/eighties feel okay leaving their doors unlocked.  why do we now feel like we have to secure ourselves against the world?  as a victim of past break-ins (both car and home), i feel a false sense of security each and every time i click the gears into place of my own locks.  i know that a petty thief won't waste time "breaking" in, but will gladly take everything if the doors are readily open.  i know that even locked (and dead-bolted) doors are no match for a determined thief, even if they break the TV in the process of removing it, therefore rendering their loot useless in the end.


this is an inane post, really.  which means that nothing crazy is happening in my world (horray!)  but i do get to thinking sometimes about what has changed between now and then.  whether it's the sense of security versus the actual secure life.  whether locks keep the bad people out, or just keep us mentally locked away from the communities we share.  i don't know.  i will probably never know.  but i'll continue to lock my house and cars, and walk a few more inches away from cars for fear their security system might report me for breathing too close.  that's just what we do in the 21st century.  i wonder how much further it will be taken in the 22nd century?  

can't hardly wait.

when i was a brand new mom, i don't even think M was five weeks old yet, an older parent said to me, "Welcome to the longest days and nights and the shortest years of your life."  I had no idea what she meant.  how could i back then?  but a very quick three and a half years later, here i am remembering that conversation as if it were yesterday, but thinking that this past saturday was a decade ago.  there's relativity for you, einstein.
i am not usually the type of person who wants to speed up any kind of clocks.  i like to take my time in life, especially when i've realized how quickly it can fly by.  of course there are some instances that i "can't wait" for... like when B learns to drive or M graduates from medical school!  of course i look forward to those things, but i'm certainly not trying to jump ahead!  i cannot help but feel, though, that i can't wait for Baby B to grow out of this stage.  this stage of baby wah-wah that i thought we'd left behind, but was so sadly mistaken.  my beautiful little angelic-looking baby has cried for approximately 19 of the last 24 hours.  she has slept approximately 4 of the last 24 hours.  she is driving me crazy!  i am exhausted and seriously at my wits end of trying to figure out what is wrong?  she's gassy, sure.  but she's always gassy.  she's probably got a tooth coming in, but really- no one needs to scream as loud as she does unless someone is ripping out an adult molar with a pair of rusty pliers.  
i just want to get to the point where we can all say, "good-night" and know that we won't see the children until the next morning.  last night, i saw the baby more during the night than i had during the day (because at least she napped yesterday.)  i ended up watching Franklin on nickjr. at midnight, because she and i needed a break in the monotony of rocking in the dark.
i say all of this and yes, of course, i want my baby to be happy.  i, of course, want her to be done with this crazy whatever-it-is phase she's been in (for her whole life.)  but do i want to jump to the next stage of her life already?  no.  i don't.  during one of our many, many snuggles in the last 24 hours, i stared down at my youngest.  she is so sweet when she is calm.  i watched her and saw her little brain at work.  she touched my shirt (cotton) and then her pajamas (fleece) and then my shirt, and then her pajamas.  then she looked down at her fingers as she twisted them around, looking to see if the materials had stayed on her.  they hadn't.  she repeated the process.  i love this age when i see things like that.  as if you can see the tiny little lightbulb pop on inside her tiny little head.  her a-ha moments of figuring it all out.  
i don't want her to grow up yet, especially because she does it so fast.  but i do want to sleep, especially because that time goes by too fast. this phase shall pass.  i do know that she won't be screaming all night (and day) when she's 10.  or at least, i hope to God she won't.  i just need to watch her little face as often as i can, see her learn and grow in that way, to remind myself that this age, just like each one before and each one to follow, is definitely my favorite!

background check.

out of absolutely nowhere tonight, i had a memory flashback to my 9th grade class picture.  the entire class sitting on the bleachers in the gym.  i sat, almost literally, in the dead- center of the class of over 150 kids.  I wore my hair piled high in a pony-tail on the very top of my head and had on one of those canvas-material pull-overs that were popular in the late-eighties, early-nineties... mostly with the potheads.  not that i was a pot-head, since i would have shy'd away if one of them had even spoken to me.  i forget what that shirt was called, but if you grew up in that era, i'm sure you know what i'm talking about.  mine had the Corona logo imprinted on the back.  
i thought about myself in that most crucial of turning point years.  i had transferred to the public school from the comfort of my small catholic school (90-some kids total from K-8th grade.)  i had grown up in that school and had been terrified to leave.  so, instead of moving on to the high school everyone else was going to, i tried to extend my lower grade experience by moving over to the public jr. high, which at that time ran 6-9th grades.  so, not only was i shell-shocked to enter a huge public school, i was also entering it in my fellow classmates' final year.  they had secured their friendships and bonds.  this was like senior year for the entire school, but me.  as if i wouldn't have already stuck out being quite awkward at 13 with too long hair and too wide-set teeth, i emerged with a need to establish who i was in the world.  i tried out for sports, music, national honors society, while continuing down my artsy path by drawing the art for and writing in the poetry magazine... i was like someone threw the brat pack from the breakfast club into a blender and drank it!
yet, no matter which clubs i joined, or which sports i didn't make the cut for, i never seemed to fit in.  i was too quiet for the punk crowd, too artsy for the cool girls, too smart for the smart kids, too goody-goody for the pot-heads, too uncoordinated for the athletes, too tone deaf for the band kids... you get my point. 
the two friends i did have consisted of the two girls who didn't really belong anywhere else, either.  B, who i am still friends with and see yearly around christmas, was my alter-ego from day one, even though she was quite athletic and much more sarcastic than i could have ever hoped to be.  S, who i will most likely never know what happened to, was a lost soul.  even at that young age.  i wonder sometimes if i'd picked her up because i thought i could save her, or because she intrigued me by being my polar opposite. 
however it was that the three of us became friends, the two of them ended up saving me.  i was lost in that world of brand names and steady boyfriends.  but S, B, and i had sleep overs that consisted of movie marathons and dr. pepper.  one night we played mini golf in my basement until 5:00a.m. using a nerf set i had gotten in about 3rd grade.  we had fun.  silly fun.  it was what i had been looking for to extend my youth by one more year.
by the end of 9th grade, i transferred back to catholic school, and somehow managed to bring B with me, securing at least those next three years of my life with a built-in BFF.  


i hated and loved and dreaded and grew during each and every day of that school year.  more so than any other school year i'd had prior to or since.  i know that most of the inner strength i pride myself on now came from braving those halls some 20 years ago.  i know that i would not be who i am now without the aid of that transitional time or the friends that i made, or more-so didn't make, while there.  
i think it's funny that out of the blue, my class picture popped into my head tonight, stirring up thoughts that i haven't had in years.  and yet each detail is so imprinted on my brain that i even remember what shoes i was wearing on the day that picture was taken (green converse sneakers- low tops.)  i guess that's how it works.  you never know what it is that's going to help you grow into the person you'll later be, but each and every step i take gets me closer to being her.  the woman i am, the woman i am going to be.  and i have each and every day of each and every school year, summer camp, being a camp councilor, cashier, assistant, manager, mother, friend, etc., etc., etc. to thank for making me who i am right now.  

every little thing!

Today, I cleaned.  and cleaned and cleaned and cleaned!  And sorted!  i found so many crazy things in the drawers of my dresser and nightstand!  i almost thought about posting a list of what was INSIDE my nightstand, but i thought i'd spare you all, or myself, the details!  let's just say i found receipts dating back to 2009.  early 2009, at that!


i did, however, uncover some treasures in one of my dresser drawers!  i found, after thorough searching, all of my jewelry that has been given to me by my mother and grandmother- you know- the good stuff!  i was proud that i had done a great job of hiding it well from any potential robbers!  i also realized that i must have some of my dad's mother's genes in me, since i found things tucked away and wrapped and hidden in the most interesting of places (none of which compares to finding my grandmother's diamond ring in a plastic orange juice container, next to a ring box full of rubber bands!)  but, who cares where they are!  the treasures that i found wrapped and hidden and tucked were wonderful!  and they were priceless, at least to me!  First, I found a bamboo back scratcher.  This was a gift that i had gotten for my granddaddy a few years ago.  he'd always had one when i was growing up, and i had decided to get him a good one, and myself one to match!  when he passed away, shortly after that gift, i took an instant bond to my own.  i have kept it tucked away ever since.  next to that, in a small envelope, i found the clippings of M's first hair cut.  she was barely over one, and i did it myself.  i butchered it (i can say that now.)  i did exactly what i thought i should do; wet the hair, trimmed the hair, dried the hair.  except that when hair is wet, it is longer, and when you keep trimming it, it gets shorts and when it dries, it just plain shrinks. it was horrible.  but, she looked cute, of course, because she could always pull off any style.  Thank God!  lastly, i found a pad of paper that is pre-printed with a score sheet and at the tops says, "Mine" and "Yours".  it was one of the very first gifts my husband gave me, way back when we were dating, because he and i used to play yahtzee and gin rummy all the time (oh, those wild and crazy times!)  but the fact that he, a cool guy in his early 20s, thought to buy his 'cool' girlfriend a score sheet for our late night dice and card games always wow'd me.  it still kind of does.
and so, those were the treasures that were hidden away with the gold and the silver.  for me to find on rare occasions, so i could ooh and ahh over their sentimental value.  and while i treasure my grandfather, my mini-M, and my courted days, i am so thankful that i am here with those valuables stashed away as great reminders of the past.  they also add a simple reminder to cherish each and every thing, the small details, the good and bad (even haircuts), because some day they will all be a memory.  and someday it will be fun to run across some small mementos of a time once loved, almost as much as the time we're in now!

And we're back...

Last night, at about 9:15, 9:45, and again at about 10:30, i logged on to post my nightly blog.  each time, i was met with a message telling me that blogger was unavailable... i finally read the fine print and found out that all of thursday was to be a read-only day.  and so, i am a day late, and probably a dollar short on something.  but here i am.


there are some crazy things going on in the cosmos.  i can't really explain it, but i am guessing it has something to do with the yin and yang of life.  the balance of nature and what-not.  basically, my life is back to normal, in fact, things have been smooth and happy and great for the last two days.  that is the yin.  on the flip side, some of the closest people to me have had some of the worst days of their lives.  is that the yang?  does every positive need a negative to not offset the globe?  is this an unwritten law of physics?  or possibly a written one that i'm just not versed in?  i don't know,  i just don't know.  i just want my people to know that my heart is with them.  and that everything really will be okay.

spice up your life...

at 9:15 p.m., both of my children were fast asleep.  i had fallen asleep in M's room, so i came out ready to jump into bed and read my book, then go to sleep early.  however, that changed when i went to get a drink of water and ended up emptying and cleaning out all of the cabinets in the kitchen!  yes, that's right- two huge trash bags FULL of sh!t gone!  


let me backtrack for a second- for the last couple weeks, i have been on an insane mission to cleanse this house of clutter (ignore last night's nightstand post...)  i'm talking like 9-month-pregnant-nesting insane!  and no, i am not pregnant!  but i am sick and tired of not knowing where things are, or of tripping over things because they don't have a home, or of the mad rush to "tidy" up every time someone comes over, when there is no way to "tidy" up when there is nowhere to put anything!
so, i have been sorting and cleaning and stacking and grouping and piling.  i have a bunch of stuff that i can put in storage, a bunch of stuff to sell at our big yard sale coming up, and even more trash!  it's been kind of fun and not so bad.
The hardest time i am having is with the toys.  my daughter plays with EVERYTHING!  i mean, seriously, everything!  two days ago, i had a santa claus cookie cutter that i was going to add to the sell pile, but my memory flashed to her playing with it, so i put it in her play kitchen in her room instead.  when she found it, it sounded like she had won the lottery.  my husband says that she has too many toys and doesn't play with any of them.  well, of course she doesn't play with any of them when he's around... she's playing with him!  but when she's here with me all day, every day, the joy of my presence wears off, and she plays with all of those thousands of toys that we have in every corner of this house.  honestly, it wouldn't be so bad if her toys didn't consist of 7 million pieces.  or if she didn't remember each and every piece to everything.  so, i'm working on the toys.  it's hard, but i'm taking baby steps.  i know one thing for sure- i'm selling the moon dough kit, because moon dough is never allowed in our house again.  that was easy!


even easier was the kitchen!  mismatched tupperware and plastic forks with missing tines- gone!  the snack cabinet was easy, too- if we hadn't eaten it in the last two weeks, it got tossed.  i thought the spice cabinet was going to be hard.  i love to cook, and i love to experiment with the bottles that i find in there.  how on earth was i going to pare it down?!?  it turns out, it was not hard at all.  in fact, i just finished it in about five minutes, right before i came in here.  as i was looking closely at each bottle, taking a mental inventory of what i use/don't use,  i found a very useful bit of information- an expiration date.  i had no idea there were expiration dates on spices.  clearly.  so, i very quickly, and easily went from about 40 bottles to 10 in that very short period of time.  at least now i know.  and no one has ever gotten sick, so it's all good.  most were only expired by a few months, some by a year.  one went way back to 2007.  oops!  if only everything else in this house would have a clearly labeled "throw me out" on it.  life and this task would be so much easier!    

100th POST!

Horray!  Tonight, i am bringing you my 100th post!  It seems like mere weeks ago that i concocted this self-disciplined project to write each and every night, and here we are- one hundred nights later!


I had intended (too many of my posts begin this way...) to go back through all of the 99 previous posts to do a sort of re-cap, update sort of thing.  however, as you may imagine with my infinite lack of free time, i have not even had a chance to re-read a short one, like the one where i only posted in the subject line because i couldn't figure out how to compose via my phone!


so, off the top of my head, i'll do one sort of recap.  i'll re-visit my nightstand for those of you (and there have been more than a few) who have told me that this was one of your favorite posts.  i enjoy that post for two reasons- the first being it was the god's honest truth, the second being that i have NO idea how on earth i can continue to live like this.  it's not that bad tonight, but here goes:
my alarm clock, an empty glass of water from last night, and unopened can of seltzer from last night, a box of tissues, a hair clip, M's hair bow that i tried in B's tuft of hair a few days ago, a lip gloss that my sister gave to me for my birthday about four years ago- that i refound a few days ago and am planning on wearing again soon, a NEW lamp (yay!  it's actually just the one from the living room that i swapped for mine, but i love it!), a form that was supposed to be filled out several weeks (okay, possibly two months) ago to renew our neighborhood community association membership, the book i am currently reading, two notebooks and this month's BJs coupon book (of which i am dying to browse, because i get to go GROCERY shopping tomorrow to fill up my NEW Frigidaire!), one of M's art projects from school, three (count them- THREE) bottles of moisturizer- only one of which i use, a DVD player (the one that i had previously been keeping the remote to), an outlet adaptor, and an ipod holder/player that is not plugged in (the DVD is not plugged in, either).


There you have it folks.  all of this, and to me, when i glance over at it, it seems clean!  or less cluttered!  god help me!  


thanks to you, my readers and friends, for keeping me going, for supporting and reading my rantings!  i love you all!

What a day...

I came in here intending to write about my day from hell (beginning with me waking up at 6:50a.m. after not really falling back asleep from B's 4:30 feeding.  continuing with my having to wash the same white shirt twice and iron it twice because during the first ironing (of course when i was almost done), something green seeped into the shirt from the ironing board and stained the shirt, causing me to spend over 35 minutes scrubbing it with every cleaning product i have.  this stemming from the point of contention that i fit into exactly three nice outfits right now.  not where i'd hoped to be seven months postpartum.  things got better, then hit hard when i found that the milk i had bought at target - at 7:00 p.m., schlepping both of my kids out to buy milk and ice for bedtime and morning routines because i still do not have my refrigerator- had been opened- not by me... i cried.  thankfully, my angelic daughter handled it better than i did, accepting that having juicy juice at bedtime was definitely better than having no milk.  after that highlight, my day slumped again when i twisted my ankle, falling down my front porch steps tonight at about- oh 45 minutes ago... it's swollen.  i'm tired.)  so, i intended on reporting about my horrible day, but after walking past the kitchen, and seeing what i hung up there today, i reconsidered.  instead, i will share with you the most precious gift i received today at M's Mother's Day Tea Party at her preschool.


The teachers sat down and interviewed the children about their mothers, and then wrote out the answers on a nicely printed out sheet.  they matted this and gave the finished product as one of our gifts.  Besides saying that my favorite food was watermelon, a fruit i have probably never eaten in her lifetime, let alone in the last 5 or 6 years, she was pretty right on with my favorite color (pink) and our favorite activities (drawing together, reading goodnight moon, and walking to the coffee shop.)  The answer that took the cake, and my heart:


My favorite thing about Mom is: That she had a baby sister for me.  (okay, i'm tearing up again.  and I'm ending on that note, because really, how could i ever top that?!? <3)

All these things that I have learned.

We had our cable/internet restored on Wednesday of this week.  I have yet to watch TV on it.  i have used the instant netfix and youtube for the kids through the new blu ray player, and i have listened to pandora (all requiring the internet), but i have yet to sit down and watch TV.  for those of you that know me well, this is insane!  i am (or was?) a TV addict.  i have at least 20 shows on constant recording through my DVR.  i am usually religious about catching up on my shows each and every night after the kids go to bed, or as soon as i get the baby down for a nap while M is at school.
i never in my life thought that i would be OK with going days, and now weeks without knowing what is happening in the lives of my fictional 'friends'.  i guess i've matured over these last two weeks.  
the other thing that is crazy is the air conditioning.  we were without the A/C for two nights and almost three days.  they were hot and humid days and nights, but we survived and were actually not that put out by it.  since the storm, and since having the A/C fixed, we've managed to only turn it on twice in almost two weeks.  again, for those of you who know me well (and know that our thermostat rarely rose above 68 degrees), you know that our house sometimes mimics the inside of a frozen food case at the grocery store.  but recently i've noticed the thermostat saying 75, and with the windows open and a fan on, it has felt just fine in here.  again, maybe we've grown through this.


i love learning new things about myself, and as i've said in past posts, i do this frequently.  on a slightly different note, i learned another something new about myself this morning.  i slept in for mother's day.  in my past, i could easily sleep in until noon or later.  today, i feel like i could have slept in until midnight.  but at about 9:45 this morning, i woke up and decided that i'd rather be with my family for mother's day morning than sleeping through it.  so, i got out of bed and surprised them.  My wonderful husband and beautiful children had already been to the garden and my vase of freshly picked roses were sitting on the coffee table, waiting to be brought in to me.  but i surprised them by coming out, and they loved it.  and that was the start to my perfect day.  


all of you moms deserve a loving and wonderful day, too.  i hope you enjoyed your time with your families, your children, and maybe even a little peace for yourself!  Happy Mother's Day! 

A wonderful day...

Today was one of those days that exhausted me before I even began it.  I put the girls to bed early last night in preparation for today.  We had swim lessons at 9:00, a kids workshop at Lowes at 10:00, a birthday party at 1:00, immediately followed by a Kentucky Derby party.  In and amidst this, i knew we had to all bathe and shower and wrap a present and make a card and eat lunch, and nurse the baby, etc., etc., etc.


But today was a wonderful day.  We had a great swimming lesson, followed by a fun workshop at lowes.  we ate out with friends at chic-fil-a and M even got to play in the play area after.  We all got bathed and showered and wrapped and created and nursed and to the birthday party (almost on time.)  We hit the derby party with a big old bottle of bourbon in hand.  We ate and drank and had a wonderful time with some of our most wonderful friends.  We were spoiled with draft beers and excellent mint juleps (i have decided that the day the baby is fully weened from nursing, i am going to douse myself in a vat of mint juleps!)  


we drove home with two sleeping angels in the backseat and relaxing music on the radio.  we recalled funny quotes from the day and laughed.  i loved every second of every minute of this day.


and i am going to sleep tonight with a wondrous anticipation for mother's day!  i love mother's day!  i will get to sleep in and will hopefully get some hand-picked flowers from the garden with my coffee in bed (or at least, that was how my last three mother's days have started... i hope it continues!  it's my favorite part!)  


i am once again so thankful for my family, for my friends, for wonderful days like today, and tomorrow to come.  

Redemption Song

Today I found a fourth dead baby bird under the nest.  He was a more feathered and slightly plumper version of his brothers, but I knew he was definitely dead upon first sight.  Today I spent a crazy amount of money on appliances that should not have needed to be replaced so early in their lives.  Today was that day.  Today, I decided to end all of this.  I decided that I need to shake my head as hard as I can to clear away this proverbial raincloud that has been sitting above me for well over a week now.  I am not a negative person.  I do not enjoy negativity.  And I feel as if the cosmos has been subliminally alerting me, or rather pounding me hard over the head, to wake up and shake the blahs away.
And so I did.  I shook, and shook and shook, and you know what- i shook those blahs away!  and i feel great.  I said good-bye to the (hopefully) last baby robin.  I said hello to all NEW shiny appliances!  I said good-bye to the bad luck streak that's been lingering, and I said hello to a new and shiny attitude and life!
Even the crescent moon is sitting on his side tonight in a smile.
I feel good.  
I am listening to bob marley with the windows open and a cool breeze flowing through the air.  my children are asleep and my husband and i are about to enjoy some wine together outside on the oasis of our patio.  tomorrow we will bet on horses, and if luck has stayed with my daughter, she will win money again like last year!  i will enjoy a wonderful weekend with friends and my family.  i will forget about the three coolers of ice sitting on my countertops, and instead have beautiful visions of grocery shopping!  filling an entirely new and barren fridge and freezer!  that is heaven!  i will finally say good-bye to the baby birds, and move on to be thankful for my own full nest of healthy babies.  
i am refreshed, rejuvenated, a redemption of sorts- worthy of a redemption song.

good-bye, sweet baby robins.

Unfortunately, my little bird friends did not make it through the night.  it wasn't meant to be.  the temperatures fell to record lows last night, and as soon as i got into my own bed, warm and covered, i knew they wouldn't make it.  it was just too cold.  they may not have even survived that cold in their own mama-made nest. let alone the fact that they probably had suffered pretty sever trauma from falling nearly twenty feet in the first place.
it was sad to say good-bye to those sweet little lives, but i know they are in a better place, high up above the highest limb of my dr. suess tree, looking down and smiling at us from above.
good-bye, sweet baby robins.  sleep tight tonight in the big, warm and cozy nest in the sky.

three little birds...

to the right, outside of my front door, is a large droopy pine tree.  we call him the dr. suess tree, because he is very tall and gangly and slanted.  he started out straight many years ago, but through the days and nights of time, he has tilted, and he now sits at about a 55 degree angle (i'm guessing, since i'm not exactly an engineer.)
in the last couple weeks, we've been watching a bird's nest sitting high up in one of his sagging arms.  The mama robin built up her home,  laid her eggs, and has since become very busy bringing worms and what-nots home to her babies.  it's been a true delight each day to watch her work her magic.
today, while playing tennis in the yard with M, i reached down to pick up the ball and nearly fainted.  i gasped, put my hand to my chest, and then screamed almost as loud as i could, "everyone, inside now."  i then shoveled baby, kid, cat and dog through the door.  i sank, both literally and figuratively, to the floor. i sent my husband this text, 'three dead baby birds in the grass under the nest in our dr. suess tree.'  and then i cried dry tears and walked into the kitchen to figure out what to do.
i hadn't seen them when i walked M to school this morning,  i hadn't seen them when we walked home.  but there they were, now clear as day, laying in the grass instead of up in the safety their mother had built them.  we had bad storms last night, so i can only guess that had something to do with it.
i finally grabbed a couple trash bags, a couple sets of heavy duty latex gloves and the lysol (not exactly sure if disinfecting grass really works.)  I told the girls i'd be right back and locked them inside.  i could not risk my three year old coming out and seeing the dead babies.  
i very slowly walked down the steps towards the scene.  as i began to bend down, i noticed that they were not, in fact, dead, but really barely alive.  i jumped, as if i'd seen a ghost, and ran back up onto the porch, calling my husband to amend my earlier text.
now i had no idea what to do.  i was pretty sure that if i touched them, the mother would never come back.  but if i left them there, something would get them.  and they were new- i could see their entire skeletal structure through their grey and translucent skin.
i got nervous.  i felt my own motherly instincts kick in.  i wanted to start digging to find them little worms, i was about to go in and grab one of the baby's medicine droppers to start giving them water.  it was somewhere in that time (which was literally seconds after realizing they were alive) that i heard them.  they were screeching.  and their bright yellow beaks were pointing straight to the sky.
my heart melted.  i went inside.  i went to the back of the house.  i took a few deep breaths. i came back out and watched through the window (first the living room, then the dining room, and finally the window above the front door- switching them up as if maybe the scene would be different when i got to the next window.)
the mama robin was around, i saw her.  i never saw her come to the birds, but she definitely knew they were there.
an hour or so passed, and it came time for soccer.  we used the back door and walked around the house on the outside of the fence, hoping to avoid any contact with the babies.
while we were out at soccer and then dinner at a friend's, my husband came home and began to research how to help the baby birds (thank GOD we have the internet back up!)  he ended up calling a hotline.  he had answers when i got home.  he had also made a make-shift nest out of leaves and soft branches.  evidently it is okay to move the babies if we kept them in sight of the nest.  so, i carefully picked up each body, so tiny and so fragile.  even though the mama robin was lingering very close-by, i needed to get them into this new home.  i needed to get them up off the ground. as long as they are placed in her sight, the mama robin should not abandon them just because i moved them.  she should still feed and care for them, as much as possible.  and i'm not sure how possible it is after seeing just how frail they really are.
i placed the small box of leaves and babies onto a tall bush near the tree.  i made sure it was secure and i told them to take care.  i've been peaking out ever since, but it's gotten too dark to see what might be going on.
i know this is nature.  i know baby birds can die, but i just don't like when it happens on my watch, in my yard, in my own dr. suess tree.  
the hotline said something to the effect of, 'only 25% of birds in these situations survive.'  but i think 25% is a pretty good number.  at least i'll keep thinking that all night, while hoping that i wake up to a small, bird-like miracle.

everyy little thing... is gonna be all right!

Waking up to my 3 1/2 year old singing bob marley is just about enough to melt my heart into a puddle. This kid always seems to know when and what someone needs to hear to make "every little thing... all right!"
After spending what felt like an eternity on the phone this afternoon, it sounds like my house and therefore life, will go back to normal pretty soon. I really hate to complain with what could have happened, and thankfully didn't. But, I'm tired and cranky after a long day of trying to fix it all.
I am looking forward to a night, in the hopefully not to distant future, when I can put the kids to bed, sit back on the couch, flip on my tivo (if any of my shows are still saved?), and drink a cold beer from my own fridge! I will dream about this night tonight, and hope that I can write about it as fact very, very soon!

daydreaming

I sometimes spend a lot of my free time (so, about three minutes a day) daydreaming. Tonight, as I put the baby to bed, I ignored the mental to-do list that is always lingering and I daydreamed an entire house renovation. In my head, it looked great and was a very reasonable cost. This is why I love daydreams!
Really, we are in a constant conundrum in our house. We love our house (mainly the classic character, hardwood floors, kitchen...) and we love the location. In fact, that may be the non-negotiable factor. We want to stay close. In theory, we have plenty of space. We have way too much crap, for real. And, we have no closets.
We need to make changes- either to the house, or to my shopping habits. Who knows what we'll end up doing. In an ideal world, we'd have space and location and even a yard- all within walking distance to everything we love! In my dream world, we can acheiev all of this from the comfort of our own home! Maybe some day this will be more than just a dream. Maybe not. We'll just have to wait and see...

shirking off responsibilities!

It's 9:30p.m. on Sunday night. I'm guessing that both of my children are asleep. I know the baby is, because I just nursed her back to sleep for the third time since 8:00. She's eating new foods, so I am, of course, jumping to her side when she cries "just in case" she has a reaction. And she is, of course, taking full advantage of my reactions. Or the horseradish mashed potatoes from last night's meal has just hit the milk supply and she's in gassy-hell. And m is silent in her room, which is always a good sign!
So, it's 9:30p.m. on Sunday night. I have laundry to fold, dishes to wash, and playdough to make for school tomorrow. And you know what I'm doing, I'm laying in bed. I'm about to dive into another page-turning chapter of 'the help' and then I'm going to bed. I am shirking off all of my should-do's for what I want to do, and it feels good! It will all get done tomorrow. At 6:45a.m., but at least I can relax tonight!!! I'm off to read!