blame it on my ADD...

As a woman, but more specifically, as a mother, i am programmed to multi-task.  i check e-mail while stirring dinner on the stove.  i make phone calls while folding laundry.  i change the baby's diaper while talking my three-year-old through replacing the toilet paper roll.  i am constantly doing a hundred things at once.  and for this reason, i feel like i am not wholly doing one thing ever.
today, i came out of the baby's room (where i was simultaneously putting her in for a nap and reading a book to M) to find the dishwasher open and half full/or empty?!?  was i in the midst of filling it or emptying it?  there was a pile of laundry on the kitchen counter (my washer/dryer combo is virtually in the kitchen).  was it clean or dirty?  i had all the spices out on the other counter to start prepping my crock-pot dinner.  but along with the crock-pot, i had taken out all of my serving dishes.  the kitchen was a disaster.  why had i suddenly stopped everything i was doing in here to put the baby to sleep?  she hadn't even been crying...
my brain works in circles.  constant circles.  while i am in the middle of one (or several) tasks, i think about what i could be doing more effectively, time-wise.  i probably put something in the dishwasher that sparked a thought of, 'if i put the baby down now, i can more effectively finish these chores and be able to sit down quicker...' (HA! like that will ever happen!)


***ASIDE: i am adding this aside, because i think it is very fitting.  as i am typing this (hunched over at the kitchen island), i am stirring the beef broth and simmering the oil to add the beef cubes to in a minute.  i have already left the room twice to check on M (who is having a slumber party with a hundred stuffed animals in the living room) and to go back to my room to get something, of which i forgot by the time i got there...***


And, my point is?  i don't even remember.  just kidding.  i need to focus more.  i need to take on one task at a time, devote my full attention to it, complete it, and then move on.  i think i might just get more done in a more efficient manner if i do.  my goal for the rest of today is to do just that.  start AND finish each task at once.  if something else catches my attention, i am going to tell that thing to hold on!  and hopefully i will remember to un-hold it when i'm through.  i am off to start my day of new full-attention-span working.  i'll keep you posted (although not while i am working on something else) as to my success!

not as young as i used to be.

for as much fun as we had last night, and as young and carefree as i felt while i was out, i am paying for it today.  i am exhausted.  i am worn out and my brain hurts, as do my eye sockets.
long ago are the days when i could party till dawn, sleep two hours and wake up refreshed and ready to go with only a cup of coffee and a quick shower!  today, i drank nearly a pot of coffee, took a long shower, and tried to get on with my day.  which i did, of course, because i had to.  but i am already in bed (at 8:30!) and am actually going to go to sleep once i hit publish.  i need to recoup and i need to do it now!

AWOLNATION

i write the title in all caps because that's how they say it, but my God, this was how they sounded and my GOD, it was an all CAPS show!  and then Young the Giant played, and again, my GOD- they were SO much better live than their album, and this rarely occurs to me.  
if i were a rolling stones reporter rather than a stay-at-home mom, i might write something to the effect of, 'young the giant is a band that strives to be the love-child of the killers mixed with coldplay.'  if i were a rolling stones reporter rather than a stay-at-home mom, i might write that 'AWOLNATION is horribly underrated, as they mix all genres and sounds while making you feel like no one is watching you dance, but you should dance like no one is watching,'
but here i am, a stay-at-home mom rather than a rolling stone reporter and all i can really say is that P and i got a night out.  we saw amazing music.  we enjoyed a date.  and i feel lucky for all of this.
And if i were a rolling stone reporter, i'd feel grateful for the job that would give me the opportunity to tell about the bands i saw and how truly amazing watching live music really is.

gender roles...

i had once heard, or read, or saw on TV something about how a kid benefits from having both the maternal and paternal influences, hence having a mother and a father.  i can't for the life of me remember exactly what i was watching, reading, or listening to, so i can't remember if it was of some sort of religious bias that a child needs to have two parents, one of each sex; or if it was an environmental study showing what the effects of only having one or the other parent would have... i don't know.  
but tonight, as i watched my husband play with the baby, i thought about that thing i saw (or read, or listened to.)  i remembered it saying that a man brings competition, sport, etc. into play.  a woman brings nurturing, sensitivity, etc.  i know for a fact that this is not always the case.  i know that not ALL men have that competitive drive and not ALL women have a maternal soul.  i don't buy into stereotypes or grand classifications.  
but tonight, as i watched him play with our five month old, i noticed things that i don't do with her.  he had her standing up (obviously holding onto her) and he was encouraging her to 'walk', then 'crawl'.  all of it spurred on by, "come on.  you can do it."  he and my older daughter play sports and games and they yell about who's going to win and, "i'm gonna beat you!"  i rarely have these same exchanges with her.  and with the baby, i am all hugs and kisses and sweet little nothings into her ears.  with my three year old, i am encouraging and supportive, but in a completely different way.  
it was amazing to have these revelations tonight.  i think that there's got to be something said for their argument (they being the ones i have no memory of.)  that's not to say that i think a child can't be perfectly brought up by a single mother or a single father, or two mothers or two fathers for that matter.  my own father was predominantly raised by his mother and his aunt- his aunt having more cajones than most men i've met.  so, it obviously comes down to you, the parent, and they type you are.  but i thought it was neat to recount this tonight, as i watched him play with our girls.  giving them an edge to life that i had not even known was missing from me.

to do, and do, and do...

So, I wrote a To Do list tonight (or am still mentally compiling it as i begin to write this, because i really do think i really do have ADD, after-all.)
it includes, but is not limited to the following:
- Go to BJs to replace all of the meats i had to throw out last week (and buy diapers, of course);
- Call the Y to book swim lessons;
- Go to Y to replace lost Y card (different location than above, hence taking up two spots on my to-do list);
- Call two dentists to book three appts;
- Call Family Photographer to confirm photo session in a few weeks;
- Call TV place who i am fed up to my eyeballs with because i am entering week two of empty promises and i want my damn blu ray player;
- Call my doc for an annual visit;
- Call the vet for two annual appts for two animals i can't stand;
- Empty and clean out the cat litter box (of the cat i can't stand);
- Bring the two huge bags in my trunk to goodwill;
- Bring the baby bathtub to storage and pick up the other baby bath seat;
- Return four library books, renew one library book, return dvd (that we had to rent in place of the blu ray we had intended to rent before finding out the blu ray that they were one week late in installing was not, in fact, compatible with our system.  the system they double-checked before ordering the blu ray that was to go with our system);
- Book rental car for my husband;
- Buy a new digital camera (since i am in week three without one and my phone does not take good pics in its place);
- Back-up laptop (to ensure i do save the pictures i do have)...


i think that's it.  somewhere in that i also have plans to work out, run, meet up with friends and attend story-time, play group, soccer practice and possibly a first friday art crawl on friday night.  actually, as i re-glance at the list, at least ten of the above need to be done tomorrow.  gotta love mondays!

back to the drawing board...

the baby woke up around 2:00a.m. last night (this morning).  she did not go back to sleep before 6:30a.m.  i was wide awake with her for the whole four and a half hours.  it was not fun or pretty.  she was clearly in pain.  whatever is going on with her stomach is not getting any better.
so, i woke up this morning (after finally sleeping from 6:30 to 9:30), and decided that things need to change- drastically.  we've been using zantac for acid reflux since monday- this gave us one good night in five.  when she was younger, i cut dairy out of my diet (which i had to do for M, also.)  it didn't seem to change anything for B a few months ago, but i have to try again.  i have to figure out why my child screams like she's being seared; why she arches her back and thrashes around in agony-  many times a night.  why?  why?  why?
so, it's back to the drawing board.  i have had no dairy today, and plan to go at least two weeks without it before deciding whether or not that is the problem.  i am going to buy the non-dairy formula tomorrow and get her to start taking a bottle more regularly, in case i need to ween her- in case i can't figure out what in my diet is causing this.  or what it is at all?
we saw a gastro specialist with M, and i'm prepared to see her again.  but i cannot go one more day without trying as much as i possibly can.  because i don't believe this is just colic or simply gas.  this is something deeper and harder.  and as much as i hate not sleeping, i hate seeing her in pain- i hate it and i am vowing to figure this out, to fix her... soon.  hopefully.  very soon.

music...

so, music is ruling my world these days, which, if you know me (and i'm assuming you do, if you're reading this), you know is not that out of the norm.  but my household is letting music rule and that is making me a happy mama!  tonight, M asked our friend if he was in the Ramones (he is not, but his name happens to be Ramon, so i could understand the confusion).  she also had friends over for a "dance party" and showed off her break-dancing moves!  it was marvelous!
we have also watched youtube almost non-stop (music videos- you name the song, we've probably watched it!)  I turned on nickjr. the other day, and she turned the tv off right behind me.  she said she wanted to listen to music.  YEAH!  i love this kid!  
i am, currently, listening to a super cool mix i made this afternoon.  out of 60+ songs, i tried to blend my songs with a few of M's favorites (and i added in three songs for my husband- yes, i am that nice!)
i am sitting here now listening.  
and loving music.  and life.  and margaritas!

me reliving me 20 years ago.

i am sitting in my bedroom with my headphones on BLASTING my new favorite band (currently awolnation) and escaping (or attempting to escape) the world.  Twenty years ago it was because i was a newly hormonal teenaged girl who didn't fit in to any world.  i listened to my music as loud as my sony walkman would go and wrote my stories or poems or essays on life.  not much has changed.  i'm still hormonal (in completely different ways), i still blast my music (now digital rather than my scotch-taped together cassette tapes) and i still write my heart out each night.
tonight, my husband came home from work (at 9:30) to find my enzombied (i like this word, whether it exists or not) body sitting on the couch with a screaming infant and a hormonal 3yo.  okay, she may not actually be hormonal, but my god- this kid acts like a 14-year-old sometimes, tonight being one of those nights.  i had them both ready for bed by 7:30, when i 1st put the baby down.  two hours later i was the zombie-mommy on the couch.  i wanted to cry, but i had no tears.  i had nothing left.  i just sat there.
he, thankfully, took the baby and somehow made things seem much less bleak than they were.
after another hour, we collectively got them to bed.  and here i am, sitting down, hiding in my room, listening to my music as loud as my (now old) ears can handle, and i'm writing out my frustrations.  


i wonder if in twenty years, when i'm 54, i'll be doing the same thing.  my guess is yes (although, once again, my hormones will be of another vastly different reason!)

i jut had a wonderful birthday dinner with friends!  when was my birthday? Dec. 26th!  but, due to lack of open real estate on all of our calendars, this was the first date since then that worked.  
we went to a delicious new(ish) restaurant in my 'hood and it made me realize again, just how much i love this area.  this restaurant was (in my opinion) a four star restaurant.  a four star restaurant nestled in next to the uniform store and a family dollar (with bars on the windows!)  but, once you got inside, the ambiance was amazing!  very quaint and artsy, with a beautiful view of the city.  the food was divine!  lamb porterhouse with a lemon mint demi glaze.  beer braised short ribs - YUM! 
and wine.  delicious wine, wine, wine, wine!   yummy wine to make me forget that i might have a screaming baby at home (which, i came home to find out that i did not have a screaming baby at home- which makes this an even better night!)
so, of course with every positive, comes a negative.  my girls night out was not complete without my best friend, who i lost to atlanta last year.  i have been missing her an extra lot lately, but tonight capped me out on the lamenting front.  i wish she were still here.  i wish she were living three doors down (as she was supposed to have done) and coming over for some pre-dinner martinis like we used to always do.  i missed every aspect of her tonight.  and while i had a wonderful dinner with my wonderful friends, there was an absence, as always.  
wishing she were here!  
and going to bed stuffed and happy!

spring is in the air!

i love spring!
i do not love summer.  by any means.  but i do love spring!  unfortunately, where i live, this entire winter has been speckled with 70 to 80 degree days.  there are no 65 and breezy days,  warranting wind-breakers and leg warmers.  no one day when the sun comes out to blaze us with that 'hot' 75 degree day that gets the entire town out to the park.  we don't get that here.  not anymore at least.  it's just hot.  80 degrees today.  in march!  the morning was great, and we got out and used our double stroller all over town!  but by the time noon rolled around, i was sweating and getting sunburnt and not wanting to run around outside anymore.
i really shouldn't complain because it's still snowing in some parts of the country, but come on.  couldn't we just get a breeze...  a few degrees lower... a cloud, maybe?  yes, these are the complaints of a girl in love with spring in a world made only for summer.

in dreams!

i love my children.
i love my husband. 
i love all aspects of my life.


but there are times when all aspects of my life, very much including my husband and children, are enough to set me clearly over the edge.  the last few days (dare i say weeks?) have been amongst those times.  


here is a small (and entertainingly retold) snippet of my life today: 
Scene: we are waiting (since 1pm) for the TV guy to come and install our new blu-ray and subwoofer.  our window of arrival was from 1-3.  it is now 5:00p.m.
M has attached a leash to the dog (who thinks he is a 4 lb lap puppy rather than a 45 lb dog, and he is terrified of the leash and of my 3yo daughter).  the baby has just woken up from a very decent nap, but is ravenous and trying to nurse.  but she's too preoccupied with the dog and M, so she cries because she is not nursing so she can watch M & the dog.  
The dog, who i am trying to keep off the furniture in general (but certainly whenever i am on the couch with the baby) is trying to scooch between me and the back of the couch to get away from M.  she is screaming "sit" at him, and i am telling him (ok, screaming) "off".
the baby is crying.  the tv man is not here, nor is he returning my calls.  the cat begins to meow the low and long meow of a hunt, or of fear.  it is then that i realize he's still outside (since 1pm, when i thought the tv guy would be there any minute).  but i have to ignore the cat, because the baby has finally started to nurse and the dog has finally gotten off the couch.  which then gave M the opportunity to play 'tag' with him.
all of this probably took less than five minutes, but it was enough to seriously warrant a (or several if i wasn't exclusively nursing a baby who won't drink a bottle) HUGE glass of wine.
the tv guy never came or returned my calls.  i'm beyond irritated, because for the rest of the night, i had to answer, "why aren't we going to the movie store?" to my 3yo, who i promised the first blu-ray rental to.  i'm more upset because i was really looking forward to watching a movie tonight, after the children went to bed.  which, in all honesty, has still not happened, because even since i started this post 32 minutes ago, i have had to go into the baby's room three times to put her back to sleep.  luckily it only takes me picking her up, attaching her to my body for about three minutes and then she's back to sleep.  but, how annoying is it to have to go in there every few minutes just to do that?
ugh.
i need to go to bed.  or a vineyard.  hopefully i'll just dream of a vat of wine that i can swim in and drink in and never get out of (in dreams!)  and tomorrow, i will once again love my children, my husband, and all aspects of my life fully and wholly without any irritations as all (in dreams!)

another day, another dollar (down the drain)...

i had to throw out over $20 worth of meat tonight.  i hate this on so many levels.  The money, the fact that there are people starving right down the street, the fact that my brain is fried, which is why i had to throw the meat out in the first place... and the biggest reason is because of the constant reminder that my favorite wholesale club store is gone.  gone, gone, gone.  
i am a HUGE wholesale club store fan.  i have been for years.  i love buying in bulk, i love deals, i love savings.  the whole concept has my name written all over it.  and for the past five years, i had my store about 8 minutes down the road.  until january, when they closed that location, leaving me the options of driving 25 minutes to another location or surrendering my membership.
i chose to drive, thinking it wouldn't be that bad, maybe it would even help- if i didn't go once a week, maybe i wouldn't spend so much money!  No.  instead, since i don't go once a week, i have ended up running to target for diapers (much more expensive there), or the the grocery store for meat (much more expensive), etc.  so, last week, i drove up there and bought EVERYTHING i could possibly need for at least a month.  and i do mean EVERYTHING!  my bill was outrageous (although i had over $40 in coupons!) so, tonight, i found three pounds of ground beef and 16 pork chops in the back of my fridge.  this was not a happy find, since i had meant to freeze them on monday (yes, just about a full week ago.)  the meat did not look good, and as much as i HATE to waste anything, i couldn't chance that it was still okay.  so, into the trash it all went.  and now, i feel horrible for forgetting it, but worse, i have to drive back up there this week, because now i have no meat in the house.  once again.  
and honestly, as much as i love my store, i really am not super fond of the drive, or the commitment to a couple hours (minimum) that i need just to get up there, in, shop, out, and home.  i don't have the time or energy anymore.
thank god for canned sauce, spaghetti and frozen meatballs, the three things i always have on hand, and that will never go bad in this house.  so, at least we got to eat a great dinner, even though we were technically meatless tonight.

melancholy musings...

i am feeling a bit down about my blog lately.  i was very gung-ho in the beginning, and i even enjoyed my posts, but lately, i feel like it is a whine-fest of 'the baby doesn't sleep', 'the baby cried again tonight', blah, blah, blah... and, unfortunately, because the baby doesn't sleep, and because the baby cries, i am zapped of all my creative juices.  i've got nothing... literally.
i couldn't even write out a greeting card if i tried right now.


we had a wonderful day: st. patrick's day parade, friends back for dinner, the kids playing perfectly together... and yet, i have nothing more to say.  i could state the facts, but i have no witty twists to add in.


i'll keep on writing, and i'll keep on trying to come up with better material.  i'd love to get back on track.  soon.  much sooner, i hope, than not at all.

nothing for now.

i am on here to post, because i made a commitment to post daily.  but my emotions are running wild and i cannot write tonight.  if i do, i will look back with unhappy eyes, and i don't want to do that.
tomorrow, when i catch ahold of my calm, i'll be back with an antic or something that one or both of the girls will have done.
but for tonight.  i am done.

that's my daughter...

i thought i had it.  i know i missed my "daily" blogging, since it's after midnight, but i thought i had the time to sit down and write before bed and before she would wake up, but as i sat down to write, the baby began her mumblings, which have now turned into cries.
i'm going to finish this quickly before going in there.
i love holidays!  a friend of my family, who knows us very well (going on 40 years now, so obviously more than my whole life) said tonight, "i never knew a family who loved holidays as much as you guys." and it's true.  today (well, yesterday, today and this coming saturday) we are celebrating st. patrick's day as if we walked straight off the isle.  my girls were dressed from head to toe in green, we made shamrock cookies with green icing and had corned beef and cabbage for dinner.  for ground hogs' day, we made t-shirts with iron-on pictures of a groundhog on them.  we do so love to celebrate the fun and exciting days of life.  we also like to celebrate the quiet and normal days, too.  we just like to enjoy this life we've been given.  whatever the date on the calendar, whether hallmark declares it a gift day or not, we love it.  and we live it.  to the fullest.  and that is one of my favorite things about my world- my parents and that family, my husband and children... all of it.  i love this life.  
happy st. patrick's day (or day after as would have it.)  and now, happy friday!  

exhaustion...

the definition states: extreme weakness or fatigue; the total consumption of something.


i am extremely fatigued.  my body, my mind and my emotional well-being are all becoming weak.  i am being totally consumed by my daughter (the baby.)  


i am going to sleep with the intent of waking up in about three hours (if things go the same as they have been) and then every hour and a half thereafter... and this is after it took three (usually four) 'bedtimes' to get her to actually sleep.


that's all (as they say) she wrote.  i'm done.  good night.

where to begin?!?

Where to begin?  this is the question i ask myself 7000 times a day.  where to begin on my laundry (baby, preschooler, bed-linens, our clothes?!?)  where to begin on dishes (unloading dishwasher, washing plastics by hand?!?)  and again, where to begin on cleaning (kitchen, living room, bathroom?!?)  
but today/tonight, i really had no idea where to begin?  my week is packed with commitments that are not normally in our week, especially so many in one week.  I had to shop, cook, bake, come up with crafts, outfits, etc. etc. etc.  in and amidst all of this, we spent well over an hour (actually, just under two hours) in target because it was our happy place.  the baby sang and danced in her Bjorn.  M laughed and played and helped me shop.  I shopped like i haven't shopped in years (although, i only bought one frivolous purchase... okay, three, but who was really counting?!?)  it was so nice to not be at home thinking about what to do next.  it was nice to just be... but then we got home, over an hour past schedule and it threw our entire night off.  
i never made the two batches of cookies i needed to make (luckily not needed until noon tomorrow, so at least i have the morning).  
i did take a shower, a much needed shower.  i had waited a good 40 minutes from the last time the baby woke up (she's taking about three to four bedtimes before one takes lately), but as soon as i lathered up my leg for shaving and was on my third stroke, i heard her start to cry.  well, of course i had to finish shaving that leg, and then the other (because i just can't be asymmetrical) and then my under arms by sheer necessity.  Basically, i finished my shower.  i felt kind of bad, but she was okay, and i knew it.  and she went right to sleep once i held her in my arms.
and now, i need to go to sleep, because i have to wake up tomorrow to once again ask myself "where to begin?!?"    

Big Day for Baby!

B got her first certificate today (well, besides the official "birth" one...)  We finished our Infant Massage class today, and it was such a wonderful experience for both of us (probably me more, but we'll pretend!)
Over the last three weeks, we have learned techniques to help relieve belly problems, teething, and to just generally soothe the baby.  And while all of these maneuvers were wonderful to learn, the most valuable thing i got out of the class was having time with just B and me.  It really felt like the first time in five months (yes- she is five months old TODAY!), that we have had our own time.  Yeah, we have our four hours three times a week while M is at school, but it's not the same.  During those days, i am literally running full speed trying to get a million things done.  i barely slow down enough to nurse her (i have been known to walk from room to room with her attached...), let alone sit still with relaxing music playing under dim lights to focus one hundred percent of my attention on her.  it was wonderful.  I am sad that our "forced" bonding time has come to an end, because as much as i say i'll make time in the day to continue this, i know myself, and it will become an afterthought each and every day.  
i know it's hard to find time to balance life, home, husband, friends, and to add in balancing time between two kids- both of whom really need their own special attention and focus... it's enough to make your head spin. this class is offered again in a month, and i'm really thinking i'm going to do it again.  if for nothing else, then at least i know i'll have three full hours over three full weeks with nothing else weighing on my mind.  with no other commitments butting up against it, making me rush in and out. with nothing other than my time with a bottle of oil, me and my five-month-old baby!

such a beautiful day!

i LOVE LOVE LOVE daylight savings!  everyone in my house slept in until after 9:00a.m.!  we not only got to sleep in, but everyone (including me!) woke up happy and well rested!  i'm talking smiling faces even before our cups of coffee (or milk/nursies!)  We hung out in the yard; the baby took a long nap; i actually went for a run by MYSELF!  amazing!
i did two loads of laundry and even vacuumed!  again- amazing!  we went to P's soccer game and had a wonderful afternoon, concluding with dinner out with another soccer family.  
we came home and both of my children went right to bed- yes, that's right BOTH of them!
i don't know if it's been the hell of the last three days (or five months) that earned me this wonderful day, but i'm not questioning it.  i'm going to go to sleep with a big smile on my face- basking in the glory of this beautiful day!

tourists in our own town... along with the rest of the world.

Today was a wonderful day!  We played tourists in our own city!  We started out going to our finally re-opened favorite British pub for lunch (and of course watched Manchester United kill Arsenal).  From there, we rode the train uptown to walk around and play in the free children's library.  

The one thing that we didn't account for was the "World's Largest Pub Crawl", which was congregating uptown, at the bar across the street from the library at the exact same time we were there.  So, when we were walking to catch the train, we saw droves of people in green from head to toe also walking to the train.  We got on the train with said droves.  M and I got separated from P and the baby almost as soon as we got on.  P had the baby in the bjorn and was instantly surrounded by young (and pretty heavily intoxicated) ladies, who swooned over the 'guy with the baby'.  i was laughing hysterically from several seats back as he ate it up (as did the baby, actually.)

M loved all the get-ups that people had on (her favorite was a girl with a big mug o' beer hat on.)  At each stop (there were about four or five between lunch and the library), more and more people in green packed into the train cars, until i could barely see P and the baby anymore.

We finally met up outside at our stop and we were four other colors in a sea of green.  i have to admit, i was a bit green, myself, watching all the craziness surrounding us.  as fun a day as i had with my girls, i would have loved to have participated in the "World's Largest Pub Crawl."  

But we plowed through and spent our time in the children's library, having a wonderful day with our children.

And someday, when our kids are older and maybe the baby will let me go for a few hours, P and I can pretend we're young again and enjoy a good old fashioned pub crawl of our own.

throwing in the towel

i have just been kicked, punched, scratched and spit at.  not to mention the continuous screaming that went along with all that.  i wish i were talking about my visit to yet another cut-throat consignment sale, but alas, i am relaying the last three plus hours with my baby.
the consignment sale was a piece of cake (GREAT deals!) and i came home to actual quiet.  the baby had not thrown any kind of fit in the hour+ that i had been gone.  i was ecstatic!  she was exhausted, and so i figured- easy bedtime!  i took her in while my husband started dinner and i said, "see you in a few."  and it was true.  not even 15 minutes after, i was back in the kitchen popping open a beer, getting ready to show off my wares!
but as i sipped my second sip, i heard screaming.  my husband was playing led zeppelin, so i just assumed it was robert plant.  until the songs changed, but the screaming remained the same.  i took another sip- a long one- of beer and headed back to her room.  
in the interest of saving you every gory detail, that was at 7:20.  it is now 10:30 and she JUST went to sleep.  fingers crossed, this is for real.  i am exhausted and never even got to finish my beer.  i ate a sandwich while my husband held the baby up to the light (it calms her...)  i was finally able to show off my great buys while P held the baby up to the mirror (another calming tactic), and M was as grateful as always for the cool new shoes and clothes i got her.  my husband LOVED the baby carrier back-pack for hiking ($12) and i can't wait to show M the new tiny table and chairs that i scored for next to nothing (we never had time to unload the car, so i'll show her tomorrow!  the fun never ends!)
so, good buys and half a good beer aside, i am ready for bed.  and i am going to bed praying that the baby stays asleep for a long enough chunk of time that my eyes can be closed and happy for at least a short while.

chasing rainbows...

today was a wonderful day- rainy and cold and the baby took long naps and M and i laid around and played games and told stories and ate lunch on my bed picnic style.  it was actually my favorite day, or favorite kind at least.  until about 2:30- when the baby woke up and began screaming (not her usual screaming).  no, this time she was sick.  she was throwing up and crying and trying to nurse, but throwing it all up.  it was horrible and sad and a crappy way to cap off a perfectly nice day.  
normally, if something like this was happening, i would just pile us all into my bed and put movies on.  unfortunately, i needed to drop off all of my items for yet another consignment sale that i am doing this weekend.  and the stuff was due in tonight.  so, instead of being able to baby the baby, i had to pack her into the car in the rain.  
we start the car and the phone rings- it's my husband.  i answer begrudgingly, because i really just want to turn the music up (a.k.a. drown out the crying baby sounds) and drive.  but i put on a pleasant voice, put the car back into park and say, "hello."
he tells me to bring the girls outside- there's a rainbow.  i tell him we're already in the car, so he tells me where to drive to be able to see it the best.  i take off.  it was amazing and huge and bright- right across the sky!  i'm yelling in excitement as i turn the car towards the rainbow.  but, my three-year-old doesn't see it.  she asks where it is.  "right there!" i point- it's there, big as day.  "where?" she really can't see it?!?  so, i drive off in search of the best view for her to see this rainbow.  we drive for about 10 minutes (total, i ended up turning around when i realized we were nearing the underside of it, and figured we'd have a better chance of seeing it from afar.)  my husband called again- i explained the situation.  he is baffled.  i am baffled.  how can she not see it?
long story short (or shorter), i end up swinging by the house to pick up my husband (who had gotten home seconds after we drove off), and we went to an empty parking lot, where i took M out of the car and held her up to the sky to see the rainbow (which thankfully was still there, although slightly faded.)  she saw it!  Thank GOD!  we danced and screamed and were very happy to see the rainbow!  
my wonderful husband then drove us to the church to drop off the clothes for consignment, and we all got to recount our days (between baby sobs) and talk about the beautiful rainbow that we finally ALL got to see!  which thankfully brought us back to a near perfect day.

My daughter's beautiful conscience...

My daughter learned a valuable lesson today.  It broke my heart in a million pieces that she had to learn this particular lesson at such a small age, but she did and i am so proud of her.
I picked her up from school today in the brand new carpool lane.  Usually i walk in and pick her up at her room, giving me a chance to say hi to her teachers and chat with the other moms.  we then walk the long hallway back to the car, giving me a small chance to hear some tidbit of what they did that day.  overhearing other kids dole out small pieces of info to their mothers gives me even more insight into the mysterious day at preschool she has just spent.
but today, i sat in my car as she skulked out of the building (first unusual occurrence- skulking.)  a teacher strapped her into my car, we said our good-byes and drove off down the street.  her body looked somewhat like a mix between a deflated balloon and a heavy sack of potatoes thrown into the seat.  she could barely keep her chin off her chest.  it took me the rest of the drive home (i went the long way, which took us six minutes longer than the two minutes it usually takes), and an additional 20 minutes inside the house, but i finally was able to piece together, via her small snippets of information, what had happened.
Evidently, her very good friend asked M to "scare" another good friend.  (I don't know what that involved.)  M did not want to do it, but she did it anyway.  The other friend (who got "scared") cried.  The first friend (the "scare"er) got in trouble.  M did not.
In my three-year-old's world, her conscience alerted her to her first bout of guilt today.  She felt bad that she had made her friend cry. She felt mad that she had gone along with the first friend, even though she hadn't wanted to.  After we discussed the scenario a few times, and i felt confident that i understood the whole situation, we talked about how to say, "no" when she doesn't want to do something.  i also told her that her feeling bad was actually a good thing- this may have been a bit over her little head.  But i explained that she felt sad and bad because she was such a good person.  that feeling those feelings meant that she knew what was right and wrong and that the next time she would choose to do the right thing.    
She learned some things today that take some of us years and years (and many, many mistakes) to learn- that saying NO to a cool kid is never easy, and that making someone cry is one of the worst feelings in the world.  i'm glad that we were able to figure it out together, and that she was able to conjure up a smile afterwards, but i hate that we are even beginning to broach these subjects.  i really thought we'd at least make it to kindergarten before peer pressure and guilt began to rule our lives... i guess things just happen a lot sooner nowadays.  

Nothing but air...

Storytime at our local library starts at 10:30 on Tuesday mornings.  We try to go to as many of these as we can.  The library is roughly a little less than a mile from our house, and i often note how wonderful it would be to walk it.  But we have never done this (even though it was actually one of the reasons we bought our house-  the walkability to everything, which we have yet to walk to most of, except the bars and restaurants, of course.)
I woke up today after a night of very sporadic, and not very deep when it did come, sleep.  i haven't been able to run/walk/jog/whatever in a week and i felt very lazy.  I decided that today we would take our new $10 double jogging stroller out for its maiden voyage to the library!
We worked in such a graceful manner this morning (not natural for my house) to make sure that we were all fed, dressed, and ready to go by 10.  We did it (honestly, first time ever!) I packed the girls into the double jogger.  i transferred my 'stroller straps' (heavy-duty velcro straps that hold your diaper bag in place on your stroller handles) and opened the front door.  I strolled us out and over the threshold only to hear, "thump barump."  The sound was alarming, and the feeling of deflated tires was almost enough to deflate my moxie.  But i did not let it.  Although i was slightly upset at myself for not checking the tires on a used and cheep stroller, but i plowed on.  i found our hand air pump, but it was missing a piece, so therefore it didn't work.  It was now nearing 10:28.  So much for being on-time to storytime.  
So, i strolled the girls down to the car, repacked them in and packed the jogger into the trunk, to have its tires filled at the gas station later on.
And so, our maiden voyage was somewhat of a sunken journey, but tomorrow is another day.  a day that will begin with tires full of air, and hopefully bodies full of sleep!  we shall venture out for a second maiden voyage and see what this baby can really do!

Points, points and more points!

I am a 'points' hoarder.  As in pampers points, huggies points, american express points... you name it, i hoard it... i love points!  i am the crazy person who spends money JUST to get more points!  
and what do all of these points get me?!?  well, that's my problem.  i hoard them so much- to get the big stuff- that i hardly ever end up redeeming them; i just keep on saving and saving.  
i have been doing pampers points since my oldest was born.  i have over 2300 points.  i can get some pretty good stuff for these points, yet i just keep entering my codes and saving "trash" (as my husband says when he sees my piles of wrappers with codes waiting to be entered) for what?!  for nothing. 
i have also noticed recently that i hoard gift cards.  i have a gift card to restoration hardware (for a hefty amount) that we got as a housewarming gift FIVE years ago... it's still hanging on the fridge- in the same location i put it FIVE years ago!!!  my husband gave me a (also hefty) gift card to a day spa when i was pregnant with the first baby... it is now four years later and that one is still in my wallet!  What the heck!?!  i JUST used a gift card to a restaurant that i got two birthdays ago... i currently have two amex gift cards in my wallet that i am "saving" for the perfect thing...  but what is that perfect thing?  why is it so hard for me to just go out and 'spend' these cards/points?  so, this past weekend, i decided that i am making an effort to- NO- i'm going to make myself go through all of my drawers to find and USE gift cards, coupons, and especially now points!
Tonight, when i am done typing this, i am planning on going to my "rewards" headquarters and i am going to spend some points!  i am going to redeem like it's nobody's business!  i am going to get all the crap that i have coming to me!  so watch out, points.  you're all going down (literally!)  
and tomorrow can begin a new day full of saving.  from scratch.  once again!

A surprise for Mommy!

Tonight, when i came out from putting the baby to bed, the living room was spotless!  It had not been spotless when i went in to put the baby to bed.  nor had i mentioned it, figuring i'd just tidy up after everyone went to bed.  but while i was in there, my beautiful three-year-old said to my husband, "Let's surprise Mommy and clean up the living room."  He said his jaw dropped, and he jumped up off the couch and said, "OK!"  She told him what could be put away and where things should go.  He said that she completely spear-headed the clean up AND did a majority of the work!
When i came out and noticed the room, I said, "Thank you," to my husband, obviously assuming that he had done it.  He readily switched the praise to M, who sat there very nonchalantly.  "Thank you, Baby," I said, giving her a big hug and a kiss.  "You're welcome, Mommy."  she smiled.  "I wanted to surprise you."
My heart melted and happy tears formed in my eyes.  What an angel!  It is these moments that make it absolutely worth it: worth being up ALL night last night (and the night before and the night before...) and having forgotten to eat lunch a few days in a row, because i was so busy doing something for someone else... having her sweet little self surprise me with one less thing i needed to do, and those ten more minutes that i got to play with her tonight- that is why my job is the best job on the planet!  And why i am the luckiest mom in the whole wide world!

the melody rings true...

i am 34 years old.  i would guess that many of my readers are close to this age.  so, i feel like you all grew up with parents who were very fond of music/  or at least you listened to music.  i grew up listening  closely to peter, paul and mary, harry chapin and cat stevens , especially!  tonight i played cat stevens for my daughter and was truly amazed at her reaction.  not only did she love it, i think she may have understood it.  i have no idea how old i was when i started listening to cat stevens on my own.  i just always know he's been there in my life.  
when i was 15, in 10th grade, a girlfriend of mine died.  she had a brain aneurysm.  it was freak, and sudden, and OH my God, when we were kids.  i listened to cat stevens over and over and over.  i thought that if i ever had to go to heaven at that age, i would want to go into a cat stevens song, especially miles from nowhere.  so, i listened to that song over and over for way over a year.
and here i am, 34 years old, and i think of death or dying or any kind of after-life and all i can do is transform into this cat stevens world of miles of nowhere and there i am.  here i am.  in a song.  miles from nowhere.   so, i guess i'll take my time... to be there.........................

all that work and...

$55 got me SO MUCH STUFF!!!!
so, this time of year, at least where i live, it's consignment-sale time!!!  every weekend a church or school or organization holds a HUGE consignment sale and each and every one is packed with crazy mothers (i being one of the craziest) and fathers and grandparents, and stuff goes fast!  cheep and fast!
the biggest one of these sales is tomorrow morning.  doors open at 8a.m.; the line starts forming outside the door around 6:30a.m.  stuff is gone by noon, when the half priced sale begins.  in my three years of consignment saling experience, i have learned that the good stuff goes during the preview sale.  the preview sale is reserved for the volunteers (who the sale could not run without) and the consignors (again, no sale without stuff!)
i have volunteered the last couple years to ensure getting in to the preview sale, but with my life being as hectic as its been, i opted for consigning this year!  and... it wasn't that bad.  i had to come up with at least 20 items (i could have easily quadrupled that) and price my items, enter them into a computer program, print labels and attach them to the items via safety pins.  it seemed a very daunting task.  but then i started.  it wasn't so bad.  it took some thought to price my stuff.  too high, and no one will buy; too low and i get nothing out of the deal... so, the happy middle was where i needed to be.  i think i succeeded!  had the baby not cried from 8-10 the night i planned to sit down and do all of the work, and had my printer not broken as i finally tried to print labels at 11p.m., it really wouldn't have been that bad at all.  i finished entering and labeling my 34 items by 1:00 the other morning and i dropped my pile off today!  granting me admission into one of the most coveted preview sales of the year!  
so, what did my $55 get me?!?  inquiring minds want to know!
for $55, i got: a double-jogging stroller, a board game, a puzzle, phonics books for the leap pad, a star wars activity book, some baby toys, a bag of dress-up fun, and clothing-wise for M: four polo shirts, a pair of mary-janes, a skirt, a pair of madras shorts, two beautiful dresses, two fun dresses, a pair of pajamas and pink seersucker's pants that will look amazing on her!  All of that was actually $54- i opted to donate $1 to charity to bring my total up to a whopping $55!  the stroller alone would have cost me hundreds of dollars! 
i'm on a complete shoppers high!
YAY!

and on and on and on...

i really thought that tonight might be the first day i'd skip on writing my blog since i started (evidently 37 days ago!)  but no.  i am here.  i am delusional with lack of sleep. i am heartbroken with too much tension between me and a special three-year-old i know and love.  i am ready to bang my head against the wall due to a very special four-month-old who i also know and love.  and so, i am drinking a large glass of wine AND eating dark chocolate (agh!)  


on a completely side note, if anyone wants a loving (very loving, if nothing else) beagle, please contact me ASAP.  

A whole new world!

When I had my first baby, I honestly couldn't understand why people were always saying that their lives had changed after having kids.  My first baby went everywhere with us.  She stayed up late, or fell sleep wherever she was if she was tired.  We went out to dinner; we went on trips (spur of the moment, even!); we went to friends' houses to hang out at night, etc.  What we didn't do was let having a baby change us.  And because we were so fortunate to be able to do this, we were baffled by those of our friends or acquaintances who had to be home by a certain time, or had to wait to do something because of nap-time... it just didn't make sense.
And here comes #2!  A whole new world on so many levels.  I now understand (and empathize, and should even apologize to...) those friends and acquaintances of long ago.  I attempted to go out to dinner tonight with some friends and their kids (an attempt i haven't made much with #2.)  At exactly 6:45 (her preferred bed-time), she began to wail at the top of her lungs.  I tried to rock her or lull her to sleep (knowing full well that she was ready for bed).  But no, she will ONLY go to sleep in her own bed (or rather, in my arms in her own bedroom.)  She does this to me all day, too.  No matter how exhausted she is, she will only sleep at home. She'll catnap in the car, but we never actually go anywhere more than 10 minutes away.  As soon as the car stops and I open her door, i see eyeballs.  
She is now 4 1/2 months old and I am really beginning to think that we won't be able to 'change' her into one of us... that is to say, to fit into our flexible and spontaneous and go-with-the-flow type of lifestyle.  And i honestly don't know how we can become the be-home-by-6:45p.m.-every-night type of family.  So the compromises are going to have to begin.  Somehow we'll have to figure out a barter with the baby that will allow us some evening fun times and allow her the peace and quiet respite of home that she craves.  She may be 10 years old by the time we figure it out... but we will.  until then, we're just going to have to keep our chins up and our earplugs handy!  And we'll have to gear up our apologies to other restaurant patrons on special nights like tonight!

and another night slips by without sleep...

The fight that i described in yesterday's post was nothing compared to the night we had in this house last night.  i managed to go to bed early (for me) at 10:20.  THANK GOD, because at about 11:20, my husband came into bed and inadvertently woke me up.  then it was back to trying to fall asleep when, at 11:39 (i did look at the clock), M started screaming.  She is prone to nightmares and even worse, night terrors.  This meant we were most likely in for a long haul.  I went into her room and tried to comfort her, which she did not allow me to do- this meant night terror.  If she's having a nightmare, she will usually wake up when i touch her.  night terrors are a whole different ball game.  it's pretty close to watching the exorcist, close up and in the action.  her body gets possessed by whatever she's experiencing and she cannot get out.  she flails, she kicks, she screams, she punches, she fights the dream and whoever is around her.  but she has no idea that this is all happening.  and she cannot be woken up from it.
last night, i tried a few new techniques that a friend recommended, but, unfortunately, to no avail.  last night's terror lasted 33 minutes (again, i did glance at the clock.)  within these 33 minutes, the baby woke up (of course), so my husband went to be with her.  she screamed for much of the time i was listening to my older daughter scream.  (if i haven't written about this before, this was pretty much how every night of the first couple months of B's life went in our household.  i did not miss this.)
by the time M came to, and i calmed her down, switched places with my husband and got the baby back to sleep, it was roughly 12:20a.m. (i glanced at a clock that was still flashing from losing the power from 6-8 earlier in the evening.)  M was in our bed watching cartoons and seemed in a much better state of mind.  so, i brought her back to her room, where i kept the light on for her and we tried to get back to sleep.  here was where the strange part came (ok, maybe not exactly here!) usually, M will not remember her night terrors at all.  in fact, she usually seems pretty confused to see us in her room when she snaps out.  but last night, she was scared to go back to bed and kept talking about her bad dream.  when i asked what it was about, she couldn't remember, but it really rocked her.  in my motherly-guilt-way, i blamed the fight we had been in right before bed.  who knows if that was it or not.
it took her two more hours to fall asleep.  and i'm not talking about deep sleep.  i just mean eyes closed.  it was a long and exhausting night.  at 2:00a.m., i threw in the towel, woke up my husband and switched places again.  i fell fast asleep, and stayed there until 5:30 when the baby woke up again.  that was pretty much it for me, i never really fell back to sleep.
somehow, we're all up and in pretty decent spirits given all the tension and sleep deprivation we experienced through the night.  i'm looking forward to 7:00 tonight.  i'm putting the girls and myself to bed and praying that we miraculously make it to the morning... we need it.  we really do.