I am reading a book that i have hated, then loved, then hated, and now i have decided could possibly be one of my favorite books... those damn writers always keeping us on our toes.
one of the chapters of this book reminded me of why i had ever written in the first place. it shook my ever last nerve and made me feel something... anything. and if any of you read this chapter, you may see some similarity here- i, by no means, mean to copy, but i am writing from example.
i wake up; i hear singing coming from my daughter's room; i smile before my eyes have had chance to rise; i hear the baby say "mama" and i melt, even if it is the forty-fifth time she has said it in one minute. it drives me crazy to hear whining, but it breaks my heart to hear a cry. i can't stand to walk in to a mess, but i am the first to blow off cleaning if it means we can do something fun together.
my heart did a fox trot tonight when M asked if we could just snuggle one more minute... of course my brain knew she was master-minding the night by tricking me. but, i love when my heart beats out my mind.
the baby is cracking me up lately. her personality is one i have never encountered before. she is super tough- like a monster truck crushing 20 old-fashioned cars in a row. yet, she'll turn and lift her hands to her forehead in dismay as if she may just faint, and i wonder if Scarlett O'hara has just entered the 21st century.
and while i'm writing, on a tangent, no less...
i am everywhere and nowhere, as usual. i have big plans with no motivation, or no plans and a will to plow. maybe the two will never combine, except on the rare nights that i have like tonight. when i see my children and want to cry and scream and tell the entire world how amazing they are! truly, AMAZING! and i am, literally, coming off of an afternoon where i was near tears wanting to have traded them in for a barrel of hay (ok, not really hay... my writer's words are gone. it happens. just. like. that.)
i guess i am truly in awe by this world of motherhood. in all of my years, and all that i have felt, and seen, and done, and thought... NOTHING could have ever prepared me for this role. and, for that, i am truly grateful!
